Horoscopes (Winter 2017)

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
A new opportunity for romance could surface. But so could dread Cthulhu. Play your cards right and those could be one and the same!

Taurus: (April 20—May 20)
An unexpected discovery will lead to a real “a-ha” moment. Followed closely by a real flock of seagulls moment and several uncomfortable hours of dexys midnight runners.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You’ll need to draw some important conclusions very soon. But however much they plead, do not draw them “like one of your French girls.”

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Sometimes you just need a little time to yourself. Which you would think your time-traveling dopplegangers from the future would understand, but no!

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You may want to take an old-school approach to your problems. But we’re very sorry, Hogwarts’ Room of Requirement is being painted right now.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Remember, when in doubt: bury bodies, not your feelings.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You could find it difficult to get a new project off the ground. NASA is just so choosy about who they loan their equipment out to.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least until the deranged madman cobbles them together into a grotesque Frankenstein-like fruit-creature!

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
In times of chaos, your innate sense of leadership takes over. Or maybe it’s alien invaders from the planet Glaxon. You know, either or.

Capricorn: (Dec 22—Jan 19)
It isn’t over until the fat lady sings. Immortan Joe may have a surprisingly lovely contralto, but it just isn’t the same thing and you know it.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
You sometimes worry you have trouble staying focused. But it’s focusing that giant laser in order to destroy the moon that’s going to take real work.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
This is not your beautiful horoscope.