Horoscopes (Autumn 2014)

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You can feel confident knowing that you speak for everyone else at an important meeting when you gibber incoherently and run screaming out of the office.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Sometimes you really are your own worst enemy. But more often than not, it’s the evil Dr. Mysterio.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
While it’s true that most men lead lives of quiet desperation, there will be no great comfort in making your own desperation so frightfully noisy.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You won’t be anywhere near the neighborhood of success, unfortunately, but you will at least be able to stare at that neighborhood longingly on Google Maps.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
After a terrible accident, doctors will predict you may never walk again. Not because you were injured in any way, just because you’re incredibly lazy.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Remember, in space, no one can hear you scream. Except for Ted, that eavesdropping bastard.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You can’t get blood from a stone. So your bizarre attempt to pit Dracula against Medusa in some kind of battle royale might not go according to plan.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You are motivated by your desire to reach the top of the mountain, to see the glory of the sunrise at its peak, and to escape the angry hordes of zombies scrambling after you.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You’ll find your life moving along like a well-oiled machine. Well, like a heavily buttered one, at any rate.

Capricorn: (Dec 22—Jan 19)
Don’t be afraid to follow your instincts. At least not as long as you’re trapped on that island with your creator, Dr. Moureau.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
He who hesitates is…um…wait, I know this one, it’s…um…um… Look, can I get back to you about this next issue?

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Remember, slow and steady wins the Death Race.

(Cartoon by Norman Jung)

Norman Jung has always wanted to be a cartoonist. He made his first sale to Home Life magazine while serving in the Air Force. After he was discharged, he studied commercial art and earned a BA at San Jose State University. Then he worked as an advertising artist for 3 newspapers. He has been a freelance cartoonist for over 20 years.