Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Originality will be your key to success. The problem with helping alien brain slugs enslave humanity is that it’s only funny the first time.
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Don’t be afraid to recognize certain limits. Court-mandated house arrest isn’t for your health, you know.
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Only when the mouth is open should one attempt to sing. That’s just good advice any day of the week.
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Sometimes, all that matters is being a good listener. How else are you going to avoid capture by that pack of evil alien predators?
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Learn to embrace change. Not random strangers on the street.
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Always take responsibility for your actions. And — hey, why not? — the actions of others. Can anyone really prove you didn’t write all of Shakespeare’s plays?
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Sometimes you’ve just got to laugh. Those times probably aren’t during state funerals, however.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Remember, no matter how bleak things get, no matter how desperate, you are not alone in this world. There are always evil zombies hunting you in the night.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You sometimes don’t know when to give up on a lost cause. But don’t worry, the universe is about to provide you with plenty of reminders.
Capricorn: (Dec 22—Jan 19)
A few simple words could be all that stand between you and success. Namely: ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Don’t let a simple misunderstanding turn into a major roadblock. You’ll have plenty of those already, what with that police manhunt chasing you across state lines.
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Learn to tame your wild spending habits. But not before you learn to tame that wild mountain lion you spent most of your money on already.