Horoscopes (Spring 2013)

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Don’t be afraid to turn up the heat in your personal relationships. Seriously, it’s only a matter of time before Batman sends you back to jail for the whole Mr. Freeze thing anyway.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
It can be hard to find someone of a like mind. But in the end, isn’t that just what the Borg collective was invented for?

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Always remember to put the cart before the horse. That might not seem like much now, but it’ll come in real handy when you have to escape those dangerous post-apocalyptic barter towns.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
The moon is in the seventh house, killing Mr. Body with the candlestick in the observatory.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Remember, the proof is always in the pudding. Or maybe in the forensic evidence…? You know, it’s not too late to go back to school for your criminology degree.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Sometimes you might feel like you’re lost and all alone in the cold. But that’s your own fault for letting Wendy and Danny run outside into that stupid hedge maze, Mr. Torrance.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. At least until a violent coup by the oppressed sightless throws the kingdom into bloody turmoil. There’s a lesson in that for all of us.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Now’s as good a time as any to add a little spice to your daily routine. Unless you think maybe you’re not the Kwisatz Haderach after all…

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Remember, whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. This might explain why the Assassin’s Guild has fallen on such hard times lately.

Capricorn: (Dec 22—Jan 19)
It’s like they always say: you have to dance like there’s nobody watching. You don’t want the crazed Ballerina Killer to know that you’re on to him, do you?

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Your ability to organize and direct the efforts of others is most likely what starts that darn prison riot in the first place.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Have you even tried just walking into Mordor?