Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Always remember to live in the moment and not to worry about the future. That’s a dumb rookie Time Cop mistake.
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
You’ll receive some news that sounds too good to be true. But don’t worry — it’s actually much, much worse than you thought.
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
It’s the little things that make your life a little sweeter. It’s falling into that enormous vat of honey, however, that does the same to you.
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Remember, slow and steady wins the race. It’s not until later that it gets busted for using performance-enhancing drugs and has all its Olympic medals stripped.
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Don’t be afraid to let someone else have the spotlight. You should probably be more afraid of the enemy snipers waving those lights around anyway.
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
When making new plans, the sky is the limit. That’s the just the price you have to pay for living inside a futuristic domed city.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Achieving your goals isn’t about personal victory, it’s about group effort. At least, that’s what the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants will tell you when they threaten to take over the world.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
A tough situation could leave you with egg all over your face. And even more annoying, the alien face-huggers that were hatched from those eggs. How embarrassing!
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
What you want most in life you’ll find dangling right in front of you. You do want a nice pretty ball of yarn, right?
Capricorn: (Dec 22—Jan 19)
Try not to go too overboard. Unless, you know, you like getting eaten alive by giant radioactive sea monsters.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
You may be forced to choose between the lesser of two evils. But what are the chances dread Cthulhu is going to take that kind of thing personally?
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
A fool and his money are soon parted. Say…can I borrow twenty bucks?