Horoscopes (Summer 2013)

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You won’t always have the words to express how you feel. But don’t worry, a simple “Klaatu barada nikto” is usally enough to get the point across.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Sometimes it’s the little things that matter most. Or at least that’s what Dr. Mysterio will claim after he’s zapped you with his powerful shrink ray.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Don’t be afraid to turn your dreams into reality. Unless…wait a minute, your name’s not George Orr, is it? If so…um…never mind.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You’re surprised when a loved one calls you out for being cold and unemotional. You were so sure your alien body-snatching invasion was going by unnoticed.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
They say lightning never strikes in the same place twice. But they probably never got on the bad side of the Greek god Zeus. Maybe just stay indoors for a little while.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
When birds fly too high, none may hear their song. When they fly too low, you might have trouble picking them off one by one with your shotgun. Moderation is key.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
This could be the perfect time to reconnect with the old gang. Seriously, if you’re not going to reform Voltron now, when the heck are you?

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
A tense situation at work could have someone breathing down your neck. But that’s the real estate market in Transylvania for you, my friend. Invest in some garlic and holy water.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Hard work and productivity is the name of the game. Or maybe it was Chutes and Ladders? Honestly, that sounds a little bit more likely.

Capricorn: (Dec 22—Jan 19)
Sometimes you can feel trapped, like you’re wandering in a maze, which wouldn’t be so bad if you weren’t quite literally being stalked by a minotaur.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Your long search for a kindred spirit finally comes to an end. And every spirit, actually, when the city shuts down your professional ghostbusting business.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Pay attention. This will be on the quiz later.