Horoscopes (Winter 2014)


Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You could find yourself all over the map in the coming months, but if you know a better way of finding Carmen Sandiego, we’d like to hear about it.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
You may feel like you’re banging your head against a brick wall sometimes. But it’s actually stucco, so at least you’re reducing energy costs while causing yourself those massive brain injuries.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door. Especiallly that swarm of vicious telepathic rats who are determined to destroy your invention at all cost.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. Even if what it’s feeding you is a pack of angry wolves.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You’ll spend the first month of the new year firing on all cylinders. But that’s the Cylinder Gang’s own fault for stealing your horses and shooting your pa.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
The good news is, your head will be in the game this year. The bad news is, it’ll be the ball.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You possess an uncanny ability to look inside yourself and others. Or at least Professor Xavier says you would if you’d just apply yourself for once.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You’ll finally learn what makes your co-workers tick. They’re part of Dr. Mysterio’s evil clockwork army, that’s what!

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
A misunderstanding may become a tempest in a teapot. But so long as it doesn’t become a Troilus and Cressida in a coffee maker, you should be fine.

Capricorn: (Dec 22—Jan 19)
Negative thoughts are a waste of precious energy. And without that energy, the Matrix isn’t just going to run itself, you know.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Caution in all your endeavors is a good rule of thumb. Secret police and public beheadings, however, make you wonder why you ever elected a thumb world ruler in the first place.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Remember, the mole men are probably more afraid of you than you are of them.