Horoscopes
Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You can light up a room with little more than a kind word, a warm smile, and those mutant fire-starting powers you were given in a clandestine government laboratory.
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
You sometimes sell yourself short, undermining your own decisions. A fact which unfortunately hasn’t gone unnoticed by your arch-nemesis, Lex Luthor.
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You sometimes feel closed off and out of touch with your feelings. Confound you and your infernal Vulcan logic!
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
In a strange twist, your horoscope has been re-imagined as a Disney princess. Don’t the fates look nice dressed up like Mulan?
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You’ll want to “make hay while the sun shines” as the old saying goes. Once night falls, you’ll need that hay as an offering to appease the evil bloodthirsty horse-people.
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
An unexpected development could trigger unusual creativity and mental energy in your outlook. But it’ll probably just trigger booby traps to keep you away from One-Eyed Willie’s pirate treasure like always.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
A last-minute decision could surround financial growth in coming months. The growth of those flesh-eating vines from outer space, however, surrounds — well, you.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You and your co-workers don’t always see eye-to-eye, but you will come together in the next few months — combining to form the giant robot-warrior Voltron, defender of the galaxy against evil.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Express your wishes clearly and confidently. After a century trapped inside a bottle, that magic genie is going to hate it if you stutter.
Capricorn: (Dec 22—Jan 19)
Make an effort to go the extra mile in a new relationship. Maybe then that angry torch-wielding mob will stop chasing you and the bride of Frankenstein.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
A blast from the past could enter your life, but be wary. You wouldn’t want to let old mad Professor Winterbottom’s time machine fall into the wrong hands, now would you?
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Your sad devotion to this ancient astrology has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the Rebel’s hidden fort.