Horoscopes (Winter 2018)
Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Sometimes you just need a quiet night at home with a good book. Now where did you put that copy of the Necronomicon…?
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
You could find yourself barking up the wrong tree. Which is just one of many wacky adventures that await you in the new board game, Werewolf Brides of Yggdrasil (patent pending)!
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
During a tense dialogue, something could be lost in translation. But wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Always remember to nurture new relationships. Show that deranged bloodthirsty god just how serious you are about earning its trust.
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Perseverance and determination could play a key role in your life. But it’s the role of William Shatner as the wacky next-door neighbor that will have everybody talking come Emmy season!
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Remember, a house is not a home. It’s actually a huge super-conductive antenna that was designed and built expressly for the purpose of pulling in and concentrating spiritual turbulence. Just saying.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You have a dynamic personality and boundless energy—which probably explains why the robot overlords will force you to act as a human battery to power their infernal machines.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Still, it’s gonna be a long-ass walk to Mars.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You like to act the matchmaker, but remember: what you call playing Cupid, the police apparently call assault with a deadly bow and arrow.
Capricorn: (Dec 22—Jan 19)
You may need to deal with someone on a different level. Choose a mutually convenient circle of hell and schedule some quality time together.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Give people the room they need to change. Metamorphosis into an alien killing machine is going to be tough on them, too, you know.
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Sometimes, you can’t see the forest for the trees. But come on, they’re right there. You’re in a forest for pete’s sake.