Horoscopes (Winter 2021)
Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Sometimes it’s like you have all the time in the world. Which is precisely how the paradox police keep finding you after every otherwise carefully planned temporal-heist.
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Remember, a chain is only as strong as its weakest link. That bloodthirsty werewolf you’ve chained up in the back room of your basement certainly remembers it.
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Tense negotiations may become a little less animated—which will be a welcome relief to your co-workers, but something of a disappointment to Scooby-Doo and the rest of the gang.
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
An unexpected turn of events could have you looking at life through new eyes. And by “unexpected turn of events,” we do of course mean demonic body possession.
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
It’s time to let go of negative energy. How many times does Spider-Man have to foil your dastardly plans, Electro, before you finally give up and go back to grad school like your parents always wanted?
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
You’ve always liked to fly by the seat of your pants. Which hasn’t gone unnoticed by that band of alien starfighters whose starships are made entirely out of denim.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
A slow start to the new year could be the result of an accidental rupture in the space-time continuum. Or maybe it’s just Mondays, am I right?
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You’ve always done well whenever using the element of surprise. Which is why it will be all the more ironic when—BOO!!!
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
It’s not ideal, getting wished by a boy with supernatural powers into the cornfield. But honestly, you’re just jazzed to have any kind of travel plans at all, really.
Capricorn: (Dec 22—Jan 19)
You have a warm and magnetic personality, which sadly nobody but the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants and your arch-nemesis Charles Xavier seem to appreciate.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
I’m sorry, what was that? Venus in retro-something? We were teleconferencing with the stars again just now and I think their microphone was muted.
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Follow your dreams. You need to find out what they’ve been up to every night.